I never dreamed of being an artist. I only ever wanted to be a mum.
Yet somehow earlier this year, my dreams changed. I realised I no longer wanted to be a mum who does art on the side, I wanted to be a mother AND an artist.
That may seem like a subtle change to you. But to me, it was huge. It would mean admitting publicly that I’m an artist. And that was scary as hell.
I needed a serious push…. And I got one.
Little did she know her words sent me into emotional turmoil. That my whole life up to that point literally flashed before my eyes. That I bawled my eyes out.
All because she called me an artist.
The second time someone called me an artist, it went out to all my Facebook friends, new and old. Someone from the wild art group tagged me as an artist when we became friends. I didn’t realise it would change my profession on my timeline. When I did, I seriously thought I was going to be sick. The palms of my hands were sweaty, my heart was beating ten to the dozen, and my head was pounding furiously to the tune of “ohmygod!ohmygod!ohmygod!”.
I wasn’t worried about my new friends finding out, they all do art too, so they understand. But my old ones…Oh boy, that was scary!
I felt naked. Vulnerable.
I half waited for them to say I was delusional, a fraud, that they remember how bad I was at drawing at school, that my new art isn’t any good either, that I should stick to being a housewife because that’s all I’m good at (which of course set off a whole lot of mama guilt for even daring to think of being anything other than a mother).
And I seriously I considered changing it back to SAHM. Safe old SAHM.
Instead, I sat with it. I gave the fears, the insecurities and inner critic a chance to speak.
Then this calm came over me. I connected with it. I let it sink in.
I realised I AM an artist. That I have always been an artist. An artist in training at least.
Looking back, I can clearly see how every little thing I have experienced in life, whether it looked art related or not, led me here. That every little thing I have experienced has defined my art. That every little thing I have experienced defines how and what I want to do with my art in the future.
And you know what?
Not only did someone like my new work status (thanks Paty!), but as soon as I openly admitted being an artist, the Universe rose up to meet me, placing all kinds of bold new dreams and adventures in my lap. Like wanting to teach art journalling online in the future, and have my own online art business. Which takes me completely out of my comfort zone (what the heck do I know about video editing, or running a small business???).
But even though my legs threaten to buckle underneath me, I carry on, because I realise there is no other way than forward.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom” – Anais Nin