My back has been really bad lately. I have lived with back problems for years and know my limits pretty well by now, so I rarely get so bad that I have to stop everything.
But it happens. And when it’s does, it’s one heck of a shock to the system.
Right now, my back is the worst it’s been for years. Not so bad I’m bedridden, thank goodness, but bad enough that I have had to strip life back to the bare essentials. And that is scary as heck.
With a body full of pain and head full of what ifs, it would be so easy to sink into a comfy fog of depression. I think the only thing that’s stopping me is that I have been through this before. I know that what I learn from these “episodes” is always pretty awesome and far outweighs the pain.
I don’t usually like writing (or talking) about my back, because there’s a fine line between giving the facts and sounding whingey. And let’s face it, nobody likes whingey. But the older I get, the more I understand that to be truly strong, you have to first be vulnerable. That the freedom to be truly, authentically you actually comes from being vulnerable. So by just giving the facts, or by batting away questions and concern with an “I’ll be fine”, I hold people at arm’s length. I don’t give them the chance to connect with me emotionally.
That’s big stuff! Scary stuff! Especially for someone like me who has built her entire life on being strong.
Strength is great, but it can also be a hiding place. I have hidden in its shadows since I was a little girl, encouraged by well-meaning others to go deeper and deeper into the dark. The last few years, my back, and a number of other things that have happened to me, are beginning to bring me back out into the sun, step by tentative step. And with each step my soul feels a little lighter.
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This art journal page was made using old diary pages, water soluble crayons, gesso, acrylics, stamps and stencils, washi tape, ink spray and ink pads, texture paste, and pens.
What you wrote here is so true. Too often we think we have to be strong and silent…I can definitely relate to that. I love when you said “Strength is great, but it can also be a hiding place”…I can see that I’ve used that, too. Thanks for making me stop and think.
And the art you created to illustrate your point is beautiful!
Thanks Janet! Glad I made you think. I think a lot of us have used it as a hiding place at some point or another, but I am trying to be brave and let go of that.
Hi Carin..I am so sorry to hear of your back..I hope that it doesnt last too long…I know you probably want to get back and create soon..and your works are lovely..please get well soon..!do you put ice then heat i know that works for me..maybe you too..!
Thanks Robin! And yeah, I’ alternated heat and cold as much as I could. 🙂
So sorry to hear about your back pain Carin… hope that you are feeling much better… and love your post… such truth… especially about being strong… your art journal page is beautiful…
Hugs
Jenny x
Thank you Jenny!
Jag hoppas ryggen känns bättre snart, det är en jobbig del av kroppen att ha ont i för den är ju så svår att avlasta.
Tack Tina!
Awe, what a wonderful post! I am SO sorry to hear about your pain – and I totally understand – It makes you feel so tentative!
And if it stopped your studio redo – well, the nerve! I wish you luck – I am thrilled that mine is done 😉 FINALLY.
Beautiful page too xoxo
Thank you Kristin! You always have such wonderfully encouraging words! xo
What a powerful post about vulnerability. I have learned that the truly strong are the ones who embrace vulnerability- hope your back cooperates and gets healthy so you can get back to all you want to do! Love all your layers and textures!
Thank you Carolyn! Yes! We do need to embrace our vulnerability. And as I’ve become more aware of this in myself, I have noticed that in others. xo
Thank you, Carin, for inspiring one of my next vlog posts. I injured my hand last week, and it was so frustrating to go “head-to-head” with my physical limitations. I love what you say about being vulnerable. It’s a lesson for all of us. I’m also glad to read (in your latest post) that you’re taking it slow. Here’s to filling up the well.
Thank you Angie! Wee, what a thrill! Can’t wait to hear that then! So sorry to hear about your hand. Hope it gets better soon! xo