For a long time after I was physically ready to go out in public again after having been bedridden/ housebound for several years, I was afraid to.
As much as I wanted to, being around people was pretty scary. The world was noisy, and I was afraid of getting bumped and hurt. My back was still pretty frail. Mostly I had forgotten how to talk to people, and felt like I had nothing to say to them anyway. While they had been “out there” living life, building careers, making friends, doing up houses, and starting families, I had stared at 4 walls. I didn’t feel like I had anything to offer. And I was getting a little resentful.
Wishing to be social and “have a life” again, didn’t make it happen… hard work and baby steps did.
It’s been just over a year since I made my grand announcement. And I’ve just realised that in many ways, the past year has been a very similar experience.
Declaring myself an artist, just like wanting to get out among people, hasn’t automatically made the fears go away. It hasn’t automatically made me better at managing my time to make time for arting. It hasn’t automatically made the quality of my work any better.
But I choose to believe it still speaks of who I am and who I strive to be. It makes me happy in a scary sort of way. Writing does too. So I carry on chipping away at the work.
I know I can fly. I just need to give myself a chance to spread my wings.
The “I believe I can fly” art journal page was made by covering several layers of paper collage with water soluble crayons and cling film. The body, dress and wings of the angel are all book pages cut to shape and painted with gesso (wings and lace), gold acrylics (dress) and water soluble crayons (body and hair) . I outlined the angel and title with black and white pens, which I also doodled with wherever I fancied. Lastly, I stood the angel in a cloud of gesso.
Hi Carin
I love this post! So fantastic to hear that you are following your dreams and that your announcement and recognition of who you are has led you on to such fantastic things. I love your art !
Oh Anita, so lovely to see you here! And thank you so much for your kind words. Would love to catch up properly sometime. x
Beautiful art work and you go girl!!!!!
Thank you Erika!
Amen, Carin! And you go. Happy in a scary kind of way is a great happy indeed!!
Thank you Kate!
Love this post, Carin – both the perfect art journal page and the message here. In a world that can’t stop talking, how else can we claim some real estate for ourselves if we don’t shout it out to anyone who will listen? That’s not my usual modus operandi, either, so I relate to your initial reluctance to call yourself an artist. I’m so glad you claimed that name for yourself, though – and not only because you so clearly are!
Thank you Kristen! Your words mean so much to me. Thank you.
I seriously love that post from last year, and I had forgotten the full title. “Holy crap, I am an artist!” Sometimes, when I go out in public and interact with other adults… something out of my routine… like meeting a friend for dinner, perhaps… I feel very out of sorts. So I can only imagine what re-entering your life was like. One step at a time, continuing forward through the discomfort. And then, you FLY. Yes, you are.
Thank you Angie! You are such a dear friend. xo